My Telling: Tanya
Silence of the Breathless
Have you ever not had the ability to hear others talk because of so many voices in your head? As little girl I would often have many questions run through my head. Things like why was this done to me, it is my fault, could there have been any other little girls, and most importantly is this normal. Many conversations I would have with myself concerning my father or the man I now refer to as “the child molester.” For years, my mind constantly screamed why, why, why did this happen to me. Why can’t a little girl live in safety, especially with her own father!
I never got to the answer to why a father would molest a two-year old and her two sisters as well. These girls were his own daughters. I was one of those little girls. I was robbed of my innocence and should have been protected. I was breathless as a little two year old. My brain only knew this was my daddy, but it hurt. It mentally and physically hurt me, so much.
My Mother found out when it happen to me, but twenty-five years later more tragedy.
When my cousin picked me up one day, and I wrapped my legs around her, I said, “Ouch.” My vagina hurt. I had intense pain, as I wrapped my legs around her to be carried. This was how my mother found out who abused me. My cousin took me to my mom. She immediately grabbed me up and put me on the bed and looked at my private area to see what was wrong. She could detect there were signs there of sexual abuse. She took me to the doctors — and went into protection mode that same night. She thought someone reported my father. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until twenty-five years, in fact December 2011, that my sister began to confess my dad had also molested her. My mom’s world has fallen apart. My pain for my sister runs deep.
I wanted to commit suicide many times.
This night was the beginning of many nightmares and visions from my childhood. I suppressed most of them until the age 29. However, I learned in Reclaim that pain finds a way to leak out of you. I experienced all kinds of crazy thoughts and behaviors all of my life. I had internal feelings. I was in torment for years. I started drinking, taking pills, wanting and trying to commit suicide on multiple occasions due to my molestation.
On the outside I looked fine to others. But, many times, I knew inside I was only one step away from killing myself — due to all of the childhood visions I constantly had. My mind made me feel insane at times. I did attend a few counseling sessions with a counselor in the past. The response from the counselor was, “There is nothing wrong with you — and, then, I was prescribed pills for my depression”. No one every connected my behavior to my sexual abuse.
My life went on fairly well. I learned how to work and function in society — the best I could. Everything seemed okay — until my husband touched me, in a way that reminded me of my daddy. I began shouting and screaming, “You are just like my daddy; don’t touch me. Stop!” I began to cry uncontrollably to the point he said, “You need help! This episode drove me to Reclaim.
No More Shame.
I did not want anyone to know my story due to me feeling shame and thinking what would others think of me? Then, I realized that I have children and I would not want them to feel this way. I would want to help them, and want them to get help. Of course, my answer to my husband was “no I don’t need help — you do”. But, he insisted; and I realized I had nowhere else to go. I went to a ReClaim meeting and in the first class, I felt safer than I had felt all my life. I began to let my walls down a little by little and began to realize all of the other women in the room were just like me with a story of abuse. I began going through the process of reclaiming my life — and my healing began. ReClaim did free the “silence of the breathless” that lived within me. I will no longer be silent about my abuse. I will speak up to free others.
Now, I am Reclaimer and burn inside to help other woman find their voice. If you want your life back and the things stolen from you don’t be ashamed or afraid: Global ReClaim is the answer. I am in the army that is ready for the battles. I intend to help my sisters and my mom heal from the horrific thing that happened in our family. Every family needs a hero. I will be the voice for my family.