My Telling: Monchaily
I Didn’t Know What Was Happening!
Two men and one woman sexually abused me in my life. It all began when I was about two years old. At first, I was excited to have a new daddy. He was nice and always brought me toys. One day I was playing in my room and daddy came in. He said “come here, let’s get your diaper changed.” So I put my toy doll down and went to my new daddy. He pulled down my diaper but this time it was different. He opened it slowly and left it on my ankles. I braced myself for the cold touch of the wipe-up but I felt something warm and hard. It hurt. I didn’t know what was happening to me, but I knew I felt pain. I began to cry out loud. I then felt a spanking on my arm and was told to “Be quiet!” My mother was in the room down the hall. She yelled out. “Honey, what’s wrong with her?” The hard thing that was hurting me left. I had an ouchie, but I didn’t know how to say that. The diaper rose from my ankles and was placed back over me but not before the cold wipe up cleaned me over my ouchie. I heard my dad yell “she’s fine; she just did a stink again.” My dad gave me my doll and left me in the room standing there with my ouchie. I went into the closet and lay on the floor for what seemed like hours. No one came to check on me or wondered where I was.
When I was four years old, my mother and I went to visit her neighbor. The neighbor had a son who was 5 or 6 and I was told to “go play”. So the little boy and I went to play in his room. He had a kitchen set in his room and told me be the “mom”. So I started pretending to cook. After a few minutes, he said “let’s do what mommies and daddies do” . I didn’t know what he meant. He said “stand over there” So I went to the small space by the window in between a night stand and a dresser. I was wearing a little pleated skirt and a shirt, with socks up to my knees and little black shoes. He walked towards me and reached under my skirt. He pulled my panties over to the side. He put his fingers inside of my vagina and started moving. I was in shock. I completely froze and my mind faded to black. When I regained my consciousness, I was alone in the room. The boy had left and went to be with my mother. I fixed my panties, and went to the door to leave. When I stood at the door, I saw across a hall that a man was in the other room. He was standing with the door cracked open. He looked at me in a weird way, and shut the door. I was frightened and ran to my mother crying. I just cleaved to her sobbing and sobbing. My mother asked what was wrong, but I didn’t know what to say. I kept crying and she said, “We’ll talk about it later, sit here next to mom.” She kept talking with her friend. I eventually went mute and stopped talking for almost 3 years. I never went to counseling. My mother just let me be mute and went on as if nothing ever happened.
My mother was the woman who abused me sexually. At age 4 to 20, my mother made me watch videos of women being raped or molested. Every documentary, every movie, every news breaking headline was forced upon me. When I was 17, I met a guy that I liked and got pregnant. She gave me two options. Go in the military or give the baby up to her. And if I gave the baby up to her, I would not be allowed to have custody…ever…of my child. I chose neither, so she said I had to have an abortion. I didn’t want to, but she went to a store, rented a abortion video, placed a chair in the living room in front of the TV and said “you’re gonna sit here and watch this”. I got up trying to escape and I was smacked across my head and thrown back into the chair. The video was gruesome, graphic and left no detail undiscovered. My mind faded to black for a long time. I don’t even remember leaving the living room. It wasn’t until I got married that these videos stopped. They tormented my mind until I was 28 years old.
I was very promiscuous as a result of being molested, but I tried to change when I got saved. I met a guy in college who was handsome, smart, saved and nice. He treated me like the queen of Sheba and wanted to spend his life with me. We got engaged after 2 years of being together. But I learned that I was one of many fiancées that he had. So I left. But about 6 months later, I ran into him again. After his begging to have me back, I accepted. And one day my cycle didn’t show up. It had been almost 2 weeks and I was spotting, which was really abnormal for me. He wanted me to get a pregnancy test. But he only wanted me to take the test where, when and how he wanted me to. Because I remembered the last time that he was violent with me, I agreed to his terms. He picked me up from my dorm and took me to his friend’s house that was empty. We went up the stairs to the master bedroom and I was instructed to strip from head to toe. He wasn’t sure if I would try to falsify the test somehow. I went into the bathroom, naked, and peed on the strip that he gave me. He stood 6 inches in front of me the whole time, watching me pee. He wouldn’t even let me put the test on the counter. He didn’t trust me, so he took the strip out of my hand and held it himself. I was told not to leave the bathroom until the results were clear. That was the longest 3-5 minutes of my life. The results came out–it was negative! I was thrilled but he was furious. I explained that it wasn’t my fault and asked if I could get dressed now. He said “yes”. I left the bathroom and went to a different bedroom to get dressed. I didn’t want to be near him. I had just put my panties back on when I heard the door slam. I looked behind me and he was there. He was angry and crying. He asked me “why don’t you want to have my baby?!” I was startled. I didn’t say anything…I froze. He asked me again “WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO HAVE MY BABY?!” I stepped back out of fear. He looked at me in a way I have never seen before and said “You’re gonna have my baby!” He grabbed me by the arms and threw me on the bed. I tried to get away but he was too strong. He pulled my panties off, and he unzipped his pants in what seemed like 10 seconds. He forced himself on me while holding my arms down with one hand and spreading my legs with the other hand. When he entered me, it HURT! But I didn’t scream. I didn’t know how to scream anymore. I just looked the other way and gave up. Tears fell from my face and he kept asking me, “why don’t you want my baby?! Why! You’re gonna have my baby! I’m gonna get you pregnant. You WILL have my baby!” I just silently prayed. Please God, don’t let me get pregnant by him. I don’t know how long it lasted, my mind faded to black. When it was over, I got dressed and he took me back to my dorm. I didn’t tell anyone what he did to me until almost 3 years later.
What happened to me sexually affected my whole life. My marriage suffered. I hated sex. I didn’t want to be touched and I was obsessed with protecting myself. I had counseling for over two years and was diagnosed with PTSD. I wouldn’t hug people. And it angered me when someone said I was beautiful or sexy…I HATED IT! I always had nightmares. Flashes of my ex-fiancée, dreams of women being raped were always going on in my mind. I was OCD and checked the doors of the house 50-100 times in a matter of minutes. I didn’t like to leave home. I was completely broken from the inside out. But then, I found ReClaim. It helped me, it changed me, it…saved me. I no longer have PTSD. I have no nightmares. I think sex is great! I don’t check doors and windows over and over again. I sleep a full night’s rest and all of that is because of ReClaim. I can truly say that I’m not ashamed of what happened to me and I’m not broken anymore. Because of Reclaim…I AM healed!