My Telling: Renee
I was sexually abused by five different perpetrators from age nine to twenty-one. I started to believe I was marked or that something was wrong with me and that’s why these horrible people chose me. My first perpetrator was a female member of my family. She would take me into the bathroom and make me touch her breast and put my mouth on her nipples. I knew what she was doing was wrong, although at age nine I didn’t have a clue about anything sexual. It made me feel dirty and I wanted someone to keep her away from me. At bedtime she would also get in bed with me, pull my panties down and fondle my vagina. She would thrust her pelvis up against me. I hated this. She finally stopped bothering me and I suspect she moved on to one of my younger siblings. This was disgusting and as I write my story, I still can feel the dirtiness and the uncomfortable feeling I had so many years ago. To this day, I can’t stand for a female to touch me, especially skin to skin.
At age 14, my 24 year old next door neighbor began to take an interest in me all of a sudden. He began buying me candy and giving me cards. I was a lonely child and no one had ever taken an interest in me, so I felt special. He gained my trust and little did I know he was grooming me to take my virginity. He would talk to me all the time and then the conversations began to change. He started asking me if I had ever had sex. He was preoccupied with this. He convinced me to sneak of the house one night and meet him in the backyard. He helped me over the fence and took me into a metal shed in his parent’s backyard. He had a weight bench in the shed and he told me to take off my clothes. I was shocked that he would ask me to do that! I asked him why and he said how else do you think we’re going to have sex. The thought never crossed my innocent mind that I would have to take off my clothes. I had never been naked in front of a male and I froze. He made me lie down on the bench and he took off my shorts and my panties, then he climbed on top of me. I wanted to scream! He was so heavy and I couldn’t breathe. I was so afraid because I didn’t know what to do. Then, I felt him pressing something hard inside of me. It was painful and I remember just going completely numb. That’s the day I began hating myself. When he finished doing his thing, he put me back across the fence and I was in the worst state of confusion a young mind could be in.
Head of the Class
At age 15, I was molested in high school by the ROTC instructor. He groomed me too, I just didn’t know it at the time. I trusted him as I did all of my teachers. He made me 1st squad leader of the drill team and I kept getting promoted in rank. I thought I earned all of my “so called” accomplishments. Then it began. He would call me from out of the classroom and into his office with the blinds closed. He would come from around his desk and sit next to me. He would say inappropriate things to me as he felt my legs and touched me. Each time I would freeze. I hated what he was doing to me. I hated when he would call me to his office. One time, two of my male ROTC friends and I missed the activity bus to go home, so he gave us a ride. We all lived in the same neighborhood. I sat in the back seat with one of my friends. The ROTC instructor passed by my house and took the boys home so he could touch me and say perverted things to me. I felt like trash! I was so relieved to finally get out of his car. After that, if I missed the bus, I’d walk home instead of catching a ride with him. One day during class, the instructor was issuing us battle fatigues. He made sure I was the last one for him to fit. It was just him and me in that dark room. He handed me my fatigues and as I turned to leave, he pulled my head back by my ponytail and he shoved his thick, nasty, wet tongue down my throat! When he let me go, I ran like hell back to class where everyone else was. I remember being so shaken! I didn’t understand how such an old man could do that to his student. I felt as though I was dead. After a few months of that, I finally told my mother what he had been doing, because I didn’t want to go back to school. She and her boyfriend at the time were angry and went to the school to speak with the Dean of Girls and the Principle. My mom dropped the complaint against the instructor a few weeks after they found out I was pregnant. Nothing else was said about him. He got off totally free, but he left me forever scarred.
I gave birth to my son at age 16 and shortly after that my mom’s boyfriend, whom she later married, started molesting me until I turned 18 and left home. He would ask me to fix him breakfast and while I was in my pajamas and my house coat he would act as though he was giving me a hug to thank me for breakfast while he would slide his hand along-side my body and would squeeze my breasts. He did that so many times I lost count. My mom didn’t have much to do with me once I had my son and if I need to get to the store to buy milk and diapers she would have him take me. I hated that! I knew this would be another opportunity for him to touch me and talk dirty to me. He kept begging me for oral sex and intercourse. He would try to touch me in the car and I would sit so close to the passenger door that my right arm would almost lose circulation. He begged me for sex all the time. I hated him! One day he and I were home alone and he came into my bedroom. I was in my housecoat sitting on the bed watching television and he came into my room. He forced himself on top of me and I managed to get him off of me and I ran into the next room and locked to door. I didn’t come out until I heard him leave for work around 2pm. He was going to rape me that day. If I hadn’t gotten from under him and ran, he would have.
Party of One
At age 21, I met a young man while I was working downtown. He approached me outside behind City Hall. He said he wanted to get to know me, but I wasn’t interested in him. He wasn’t my type and he wasn’t handsome at all. He was very persistent and kept asking for my phone number. I finally gave it to him. He called me and asked me to go to a party with him. After declining him several times, I finally agreed to go to the party with him. I told him I would need for him to show his driver’s license to my mom and her husband (the man who molested me from age 16-18). He agreed. He picked me up, came in and met them. He even invited them to his home in Stone Mountain, GA. He said he used to play basketball for the Atlanta Falcons. He had to be close to 7ft tall. We left and he took me to a club and ordered us drinks. I didn’t drink, but he kept trying to get me to drink a strong, nasty, alcoholic drink. I took 2 sips and couldn’t drink anymore because I didn’t like it. It was getting late and we still had not gone to the party he had invited me to. I told him I was ready to leave and we finally left. It was getting late. He started driving to the Westside side of town and we ended up at an apartment complex. We went inside, but there was no party going on. He went into the back room with the people who lived there. He left me up front by myself for a very long time. I was getting sleepy and was ready to go home. He came up front and I knew they were doing drugs in the back. Somehow I found out they were doing Coke. I was upset, tired and ready to go home. He tried to lie on the couch with me to get close to me, but I wasn’t feeling him. We finally left and there never was a party. While on the expressway he started talking about how he wanted to be with me sexually and wanted to kiss me and I told him that I wasn’t attracted to him like that. That made him so angry! He started driving fast and cussing me out! I was so afraid. He took the Pritchard Road exit, it was very dark with winding roads and I didn’t know where I was. He was driving like a maniac! He pulled the car over in a very dark, remote area. He told me he was going to make me attracted to him. He turned the car off, took the keys out of the ignition, took my glasses off my face and put them where I couldn’t find them. He got out of the car and began to walk around to my side. I couldn’t see anything but shadows and lights from distant houses. I was terrified! I knew he was going to rape me. I tried to lock all the doors before he could get to them. He finally got into the car, dragged me to the back seat, pulled my pants down and began to rape me. I couldn’t do anything. After he finished, he was very calm as if nothing had happened. I was in shock! I couldn’t say anything. I just wanted to get home alive.
He dropped me off and told me he’d call me the next day, which was Thanksgiving. He called as he said he would and acted as if he did nothing to me. I told him not to ever call me again or I’d go to the police. I never heard from him again and I never told anyone about the attack. I had learned over the years to push everything down.