My Telling: Brandie
A new Dad
When I was four my mom was getting remarried. I was so excited to be getting a new dad. My real dad was an alcoholic and was very mean to my mom. I would watch him beat her and talk really bad to her. So when I knew I was getting a new dad I thought life would be great. My mother’s boyfriend, my soon to be new dad was going to pick me up from nursery school and I was so excited that that day was finally here. He picked me up and we went shopping. It was great. I had never had a dad that took me shopping and wanted to spend time with me. I can remember like it was yesterday. We went to Montgomery Ward’s and I got and new pair of pants and a Holly Hobby shirt to match. He also got me a new Strawberry Shortcake pocketbook. It was so cool. After we left the store we got ice-cream and went back to his house. I remember he was sitting on the floor and asked if I would walk on his back to crack it. I said yes. He lay down and I walked on his back. Then he asked if I would rub his chest. I can remember feeling a little awkward but did it anyway. He kept saying a little down, little down. I was then close to his penis outside his pants and I remember him saying, “don’t tell your mom she may get upset that I asked you to rub my chest and not her.” I didn’t say anything to him when he said that. Then he said, wanna wrestle?” I thought cool he’s gonna play with me. He got on top of me and started rubbing himself up and down on my tiny body. I was such a little girl. He also said, “We’ll keep the wrestling between us because she may get mad we were wrestling in the house and we don’t want her mad.” We met up with my mom when she got off work and I remember being happy to be back with her.
Wrestling to touching
They got married and he moved in with us. The “wrestling” started all the time then. I remember being under the cover and my mom getting ready and he had me rub his penis with my mom or my grandpa in the same room. He would be in the same room and I would be covered up with a blanket and he would be touching his penis. This would happen it seems like anywhere. Home, lake, in the boat etc… This went on till I was about 10. At about age 5, I started masturbating and remember thinking what’s wrong with me. I would feel so ashamed and guilty but would do it again and again because it felt good. I started watching porn at about age 8 or 9. I can remember feeling ashamed and not knowing what to do.
Trying to fit in
I didn’t have a lot of friends because I thought they knew and something was wrong with me. It made me feel dirty and I didn’t feel pretty. I have spent most of my life trying to earn love and acceptance. I became a chameleon just trying to fit in wherever I could. I started having sex with a lot a people at age 15. As I got to be about 16 I remember my mother’s boyfriend would like to show me off to his friends and I got whatever I wanted. I learned how to manipulate him with my body.
I learned through ReClaim that all these things were normal because of my early sexualization and I have talked myself innocent. I did nothing wrong. I had to give that little girl a voice and tell my story. ReClaim was my safe spot.