My Telling: Jennifer
“Thinking if he didn’t bring it up & I didn’t bring it up that maybe it was a memory that would one day would go away. It didn’t. It affected every aspect of my life until I stopped letting it. Until I became a RECLAIMER!”
I Was the Product of an Affair
I grew up without my father. It wasn’t that he didn’t want me – he simply never got the chance to raise me. I am the product of an affair.
My mother was married to what I’ve been told was a good man that she decided to cheat on. Days after I was born her husband died.
I was not told of this until I was 15 years old. I never realized where the hatred for me came from within the children of our family. They knew I looked different & were told about our mother’s affair by our aunt, my god mother believe it or not. I believe deep inside of my abuser, this knowledge somehow made him feel like he could sexually abuse me.
You see my perpetrator was my brother. He explained to me when I was 21 that he did hate me as a child & blamed me for the demise of the family. Can you believe he actually said that to me?! As if his abuse & terrorizing me was justified. Some days it’s hard to believe that I tried to still be his ‘baby sister’; that I had to live with him & sit across a table and eat dinner with him! Every minute was disgusting. Thinking if he didn’t bring it up & I didn’t bring it up that maybe it was a memory that would one day go away. It didn’t. It affected every aspect of my life until I stopped letting it. Until I became a RECLAIMER.
I was scared of our mom. Even at 6 years old I knew I could not trust her or go to her for help. That was already a fact that I knew all too well. She sat & watched my sisters get fondled in a bath tub by one of her many husbands. She did nothing to protect them. They cried every night in their beds. She became an enemy very young.
My Brother Molested Me
I don’t remember if I was home from school or if it was a weekend. I spent most of my time alone. I simply remember being there in my brother’s room, not knowing at all how I got there. It was dark, he was older & much bigger than me so I knew this was bad but I couldn’t leave. I was scared beyond belief. I was more alone than ever.
I honestly don’t remember if he spoke. I remember his curtains being closed & the door shut. My sisters were home but I was in there with him. It was damp & dark & it stunk. It could have been the stench of dirty clothes or the evil that lives within a pedophile. I just remember the smell & the dark & knowing that I wasn’t able to leave. I froze right there on the edge of his bed. Maybe he hated himself or just couldn’t look at himself molesting his innocent 6 year old sister. He put a blanket over me as he took his penis out of his pants. He then sat at the end of his bed & had me lay down. The blanket came next. He threw it over me & himself from his waist down. He placed my mouth on to his penis & forced my head down, repeatedly. I remember choking on it. I remember the smell of body odor & urine & what I now know as semen. I remember not being able to breath. Not realizing he was forcing me to perform oral sex on him or his hands that were fondling my vagina. My only thoughts now were on me not being able to breathe. He had me under a very thick blanket & my mouth & nose pushed down so forcefully that it all hurt. My heart possibly the worst. Why was he hurting me like this? Why didn’t he care that I was scared. I couldn’t cry or speak- the air was simply not there. Suddenly & without warning my brother threw me off of him & onto the floor. So there I curled up into a ball & hid. My face hurt. He was spooked by someone coming into his room. I couldn’t tell you who it was- possibly our mother or one of my sisters. I only knew it was enough to make him stop. Who ever it was talked to him for a few minutes & then I heard the door shut. He made me leave like a prostitute he was done with. I was humiliated. I did not understand why I couldn’t speak or cry out for help as he was talking to this person. I was so ashamed & my voice now gone. I ran outside & climbed a small tree. No one looked for me. No one knew I was now changed forever.
He never touched me like that again. I think he saw me different though. He began to terrorize me on a nightly basis. He would hide in closets & scratch the walls with his fingernails. He would make scary sounds when it was dark. I would hide at night in the hallway scared of my own bed & the dark. If I put my back against the wall with the light on I would be safe. I stopped sleeping as the nightmares got worse. Not being able to breathe & his stench forever on me now I failed first grade. Nobody talked to me or asked why the only place I could sleep was in class. They told my mom I wasn’t reading up to par. She didn’t talk to me enough to know I was tired & depressed at 6 years old. Nobody asked why I suddenly changed. My oldest sister later told me she saw a difference in me at that age. She says I was a very happy go lucky little girl always singing. The way my daughters are always singing now.
My Brother Continued to Harass Me
As I grew up my brother didn’t stop. He only changed up how he haunted my life. He would kill small animals. He would still hide in closets & scratch walls but now he took my dolls calling them all Jenny & tearing them apart. He would try to wrestle with me like we were buddies. After he left the house I figured my constant nightmare was over. He no longer had access to my life. But the haunts of my sexual abuse followed me into adulthood. I became an angry woman. I did not know how to sustain a friendship or marriage. To say I had a fear of commitment was an understatement. To say I knew how to be a friend or had a chance at becoming an adequate mother was a joke.
My Freedom Came Through RECLAIM
I heard a woman speak of her abuse & her freedom from the hell it put her through daily even years later. In her 10 minute speech I heard my freedom & a life no longer ruled by nightmares. Hope for my marriage & the mother I could be through what she learned in RECLAIM. I made the choice that would change my family & my life forever. I got in contact with Dr. Kaye Smith that night. Life began for me that night as I took my life back. I’ve spent the last 3 years with Dr. Kaye & the other ladies of RECLAIM walking out this new life. Learning how to talk myself innocent. Learning about how I should have been taken care of & protected. I decided to talk to my family about what happened. My brother has children of his own now including a very young daughter & son. It’s possible she could be seen in his eyes like I was. What if he had already hurt her? After all I have learned the statistics & I’m sure I was not his only victim. I was his sister & a child. This is his daughter & he is still sick. I need to protect her. So I told. He said I was lying. His wife did not want to believe her husband was this sick demented man & our mother refuses to believe this would go on under her nose. They all wanted to deny what I was telling them instead of protecting these children. I won’t let them stop me. I will tell everyone who cares enough to listen. Will you stop your abuser? Or someone else’s? Or let them keep abusing long after they are gone? Take a stand like me.