I was sexually molested and eventually raped, and impregnated by my dad from the age of 8-15. I remember sitting on the couch with my Mom so scared to tell her what my dad/her husband was doing to me. I didn’t like it and I wanted him to stop. I told her that I didn’t like the way dad was touching me and what he was making me do to him. I was 8 years old when I came to her. She had me point to where he was touching me on my body. I pointed to my breasts and my vagina and then I pointed down there once again to show her where he was making me touch and do things to him. After she confronted him he came to me drunk one night after everybody was asleep, like always, and told me that if I told my mom anything again that he would hurt me bad. He was so mad and I was so scared of him.
My Mom didn’t leave him. She stayed with him and the sexual abuse continued. She dropped out of school and ran away from home and married my dad at a young age. They are a year apart. She never learned how to drive and didn’t have a job. So when we were little, she was totally dependent on him. It’s still no excuse to stay with a monster. She had family that she could have reached out to for help, but she never did. Recently I asked her why she never left him several times in our conversation and every time she said, “I don’t Know.” That was her way of saying I don’t want to talk about it. Like always. Let’s sweep this under the rug and live like nothing ever happened.
I hated when he opened his first can of beer. I knew that night if he didn’t pass out before hand, that he would sneak into our room and wake me up to come out to the living room with him. I had to be very quiet getting down from the top bunk because if I woke up any of the other kids he would get mad and hurt me. My siblings and I shared a room with bunk beds stacked on top since we lived in a 2 bedroom trailer. I got mad and threatened him as I got older that I was going to tell on him again and he would say things to me like…”If you tell you and your sisters and brother will be put in foster care and be separated and you will never see us again. You don’t want me to go to jail do you? ” Another thing he told me was I’ll kill you if you tell or the one that really kept my mouth shut was I’ll do this to one of the other kids if you don’t let me do it to you. ” I didn’t want him to touch them and my Mom knew what was going on even though she acted like she didn’t. I had told her when I was 8 and she wouldn’t protect me so I had to protect them. If my Mom wouldn’t do it, I would do it. I would keep my mouth shut and put up with him sexually abusing me so that he wouldn’t do it to them.
When I was 14 my dad raped me on the kitchen floor (which was in the very front of the trailer). This was premeditated. He had the Vaseline and condom in the cabinet. When I saw it I started to struggle and cry..”NO NO NO!” He put his hand on my mouth and put all of his weight on me so that I couldn’t scream or get away. He took my panties off and told me if I relaxed it wouldn’t hurt. As he was raping me I silently cried and trembled. It hurt so bad. The next day I was enraged. My dad just raped me! I took my Mom into the laundry room and showed her the condom that he tried to hide until he could dispose of it. She yelled and screamed at him. They got into a big fight. He gave her attention, buttered her up, fed her lies and guess what she stayed with him. After that I literally gave up all hope. If my Mom didn’t do anything with all of the evidence I showed her, then in my teenage girl mind, nobody would. If I told the police me and my siblings would go into foster care and I may not see them again. FEAR False Evidence Appearing Real. That’s what he ruled me with.
So I’m 14 and going into the 9th grade.I never had sex with a boy in my life, except with my dad who raped me and now just has his way with me any time he wants when he can get me alone. I gave up all hope that anybody would ever help me or save me from him. So guess what? He gets me pregnant. My Mom can’t look the other way now. The evidence is in her face in my belly. I AM SO ASHAMED AND HORRIFIED. I CAN’T GO TO SCHOOL PREGNANT WITH MY DAD’S BABY. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? My 14 year old mind can’t figure out how to keep this quiet. Never fear my sick parents do all the thinking for me. My Mom takes me to my doctor and I have to pretend like it’s my boyfriend’s baby. I DON’T’ HAVE A BOYFRIEND! I CAN’T BECAUSE MY DAD IS A PSYCHO CHILD MOLESTER WHO WOULD KILL ME IF HE FOUND OUT I HAD A BOYFRIEND. The doc says to me “Gina, I thought you were a good girl.” You don’t know how hard it was to keep my mouth shut wh ile my Mom was standing there making sure I stuck to the story. I looked down ashamed. He referred us to an abortion clinic in the city. My dad promised my Mom that he would never touch me again after that. He promised me after that that he wouldn’t touch me again if I gave him a blow job one last time. Guess what? He was sober. All the other times he had at least a six pack under his belt. Needless to say he never touched me again and it stopped (with me) when I was 15 years old.
I got a work permit and a job in High School at age 14 and by the time I was 15 almost 16, I had enough money saved to buy myself a car. I was shocked that my dad let me buy a car. Well, it was more for his sake so that he didn’t have to drive drunk to come pick me up from work. The job he let me have helped me buy myself clothes and the things I needed. It took some financial pressure off of them. I moved out of the house when I was 18 tolerating my parents…acting like nothing ever happened because after all they are my parents and maybe someday they will become the parents I always dreamed of. My dad even stopped drinking when I was 25. Maybe there was some hope for them after all.
Well I’m 40 now and when Reclaim was presented to the audience that I was in I knew that I knew that I knew that I was suppose to be a part of it. I fought it for a few days. Saying I survived. I’m FINE! I’m not going back there and opening that door. I SURVIVED. I EVEN FORGAVE THEM BECAUSE AFTER ALL THAT’S THE CHRISTIAN THING TO DO FOR MY SAKE NOT THERE’S. Well….one day I’m in the car driving thinking about Reclaim and all that I went through. I was mad at what my dad did to me and my mom let happen. My innocence and childhood were stolen from me because of them. I then realized that yes I survived, but I’m not fine. So I joined Reclaim.
Boy did Dr. Kaye and I have a go around the first 2 days I was at the Reclaim Conference for women. She could not believe that after everything he did to me and my mom not protecting me that I still went around them and let them around me and my family. Especially my children. My response was “Well I am a christian now and the bible says that you are to forgive others of their sins so that you can be forgiven of your sins. She agreed with me but told me that it DOES NOT SAY that you have to go around and fellowship with them. She said the bible also says, if you want to bring the bible into it, that it is better to put a rope around your neck and jump off the cliff then to touch one my children. (Paraphrased) We both agreed that it is good for our sake to forgive them, but disagreed that you can be around your perpetrator even if you forgave them. After that I told my husband that I was NOT going back the next day. After all I survived it and and… dang I’m not fine. I’m mad! So I went back to the conference the next day and sure enough she calls me out of the crowd and reads my mail. Saying you were on my heart all night. You weren’t going to come back today were you? You don’t agree with what I’ve said do you? My response: NOPE! I knew that I was suppose to be there but I didn’t like it. I didn’t agree with what she said because after all my parents have changed since all this happened. NOT!!! They just swept it under the rug and went on with their lives expecting me to do the same thing.
So in conclusion after being in Reclaim for about 9 months I now know that what Dr. Kaye said to me that probably happened in my family ,that I didn’t know about, is true because recently the truth came out. I now realize that my dad lied through his teeth to me and manipulated me with fear. My Mom didn’t protect me and because of that he was able to do it to somebody else after he was done with me. Recently I confronted them in a letter and at the end I told them that I don’t want them to come around us anymore. They are not welcome in my home because after all if my Mom didn’t protect her own children from sexual abuse would she protect her grandchildren form him? I don’t care if he stopped drinking. The intent was always there. The booze just gave him the courage to act on it. Reclaim has helped me wake up and realize that I was innocent. I was a child. Both my parents stopped being parents the first time my dad molested me and when my Mom s tayed with him after I told her what he was doing to me when I was 8 years old. After I confronted them my dad’s response was to cry and say “I don’t remember.” My sister’s response ” I’m sorry that this happened but it was a long time ago. Mom and dad have changed a lot since then and dad has ….disease which makes him not remember things day to day sometimes. My Mom’s response was I’m sorry that I wasn’t a good Mom to you kids that I didn’t protect you.” Why didn’t you leave him? I don’t know.” So they acknowledged it but want to go on same as before. It’s too awkward. The blinders are off. I can’t pretend anymore. I realize that I can’t expect them to act a certain way when it’s not in them. So yes I was born to them, but I owe them nothing. I’m not bitter. I’m dealing and healing. It’s not easy but between Dr. Kaye, the ladies in my Reclaim support group, and my faith in God I’m on my way to being REALLY FINE.