My Family’s Secret

Incest went on in my family for many years. I was violated from age 6-17 by three relatives. I was introduced to kissing by a close relative at approximately 6 years of age. I was in a closet with him and he told me that we were going to play “moms and dads” and proceeded to kiss me. I giggled when he kissed me, because I thought it was funny.  I don’t remember anything more happening that day, but that doesn’t mean that it didn’t.  I have a mental block of when things progressed. I just remember them happening.  He was 12 at the time. For the next several years, I remembered him treating me as if I was his girlfriend. He taught me how to French- kiss. I was just a child!  I should not have known these things at this age!

I have such a block of when things of sexual nature progressed but they definitely did… to eventually oral sex. He performed it on me and showed me how to give him oral sex. It makes me nauseous just to think about it! He also licked my breasts which weren’t even developed yet! My parents never knew. I couldn’t ever tell them. I didn’t even know how to explain what was happening.  I remember him wanting me to feel good. But in reality, looking back, I believe he wanted the pleasure of having it happen to him.  I believe he groomed me so that I would give into him. It became normal to have my clothes off and have orgasms with him. I was just a child and I should have never been introduced to any of this, especially by a relative!  It’s almost as if I became a robot and knew what to expect and just performed for him. He would have me “jerk him off” in the bathroom.  It was as if I was disconnected to it and just performed. It just felt robotic! He was so very silky talking with me.

When Will the Dysfunction End?

This happened for so many years that in a gross way it became “normal”.  Such dysfunction!
It stopped around age 17 with him. He got married and it stopped for a long time.  His wife was in the hospital and he wanted me to help him clean up before she came home. Nothing happened while we were cleaning, but when taking a break, he asked to see my body now that I had “grown up”.  I was 17 at the time and I just looked at him and said, “No, no more.” I finally stood up and said NO!  I don’t remember ever being penetrated by him or any of my relatives.

The second close relative was very mean to me and forced me to do things. The time frames that I remember all of the abuse was from age 6-17. I don’t remember specific ages of when each violation happened.  I just remember the age of the incest beginning and when it stopped. I remember one time he chasing me into my bedroom and I thought the lock was secured. He busted in and flipped me over on the bed. He held my arms above my head with his one hand and, with his free hand, lifted my shirt and proceeded to lick my nipples. I remember it hurting because my breasts were tender because they were beginning to develop.  All of this happened after my mom left the house. I remember him saying “Just wait you will start enjoying it.” He continued until I calmed down. I don’t remember what happened after that moment. I think it made him mad because I refused him. I hated when he kissed me.  At times, he would have me jerk him off as well. He smelled bad and his sweat disgusted me.  Again, I became robotic doing these things. It caused me to view sex as dirty and nasty!  I was challenged sometimes trying to enjoy my husband completely due to the abuse and even the smell of semen grossed me out.

As for the third person, I think I just acted out with him what was already happening to me. I don’t know if things were happening to him as well. We fondled each other and caused each other to have orgasms. I would jerk off as well. It became “normal” to jerk them all off!! Again, dysfunctional thinking….

I Trusted You!

Around age 21, I lived with a Pastor and his family. He and his wife knew about the incest in my family. He was like a father-figure to me. He would make sure I was awake for work. He would come into my room and sit on the side of the bed. I remember thinking it was weird. But then remembered he would do the same for his boys and brushed that thought aside. Then a couple of times I would lie on my stomach and he would go up my back under my shirt and rub my back.  I remember freezing on the inside and almost didn’t want to breathe. He never touched my breasts, but I remember thinking he had no business going up my shirt. I never questioned him at that point. Before this, I remember he use to tickle me a lot! If I would giggle at something that was funny, it would cause him to come over and tickle me and ask, “What are you laughing at?” He would start chuckling.  It was like an opportunity for him to touch me. One time he swatted my bottom in front of his wife and apologized to me. I remember when their family and I were at the beach, and I asked his wife to put sunscreen on me. She then told her “husband ” to put the sunscreen on me. Even though I felt a red flag go up on the inside, I pushed it aside and thought, “oh, he’s just treating me like his daughter.”Every time I felt a red flag go up, I seemed to excuse it and brush it off. Then the tickling got too touchy. He began going up my inner thigh tickling me. One day, his wife wasn’t home and I laughed at something I was watching on T.V. He came into the room and did the same thing as before. This time as I’m laughing he tells me to be still and continues going up my inner thigh, each time asking if it tickled. It was so weird!  Not long after, I told on him! I found out later that he made other girls uncomfortable too.

I’ve had some counseling, but never found a safe place to fall like I have found in RECLAIM. I have seen the dysfunction and I have gotten healed from it. In RECLAIM, I let it all out and that’s where I’ve gotten my healing.